


if we had chosen differently?

by enchantingoats



Series: snk scenes - bittersweet edition [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Pining, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28887363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enchantingoats/pseuds/enchantingoats
Summary: She could see Ymir being ridiculously fond of a toddling child. Diligently attending to splatter marks on cherubic cheeks while pretending to hate the act.If only it hadn't been too late.
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss & Eren Yeager, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Series: snk scenes - bittersweet edition [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128788
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	if we had chosen differently?

“I don’t deserve her,” Historia said to the ceiling. They were the first words she had spoken since her heart rate had stabilized, the first words to break the heavy silence that had descended on the both of them. The body next to her didn’t seem particularly inclined to respond, so she continued.

“For a second, I was grateful she was dead while we were...and all because it made me feel less guilty. If I married her, or if she had been alive and this had to happen, I don’t think I could have faced her.”

A pregnant pause filled the room as she watched him mull it over. Historia wasn’t sure if she believed it herself. Ymir, even with her jeering and claims otherwise, was frighteningly unselfish. She had given Historia a chance within the walls, but saved none of it for herself. This act wasn’t heroic; Ymir would have sniffed that out instantly.

“About all that, Ymir doesn’t care. She probably would’ve killed me for this, but she would’ve understood.” Historia laughed a little, feeling her mood lift. His voice was gruff, but soft. It was almost unfair, how heartfelt he was even when circumstances threw him the worst of lots. 

“The child might look a little like her if it gets your skin and hair color, so she might have spared most of you.” She could see Ymir being ridiculously fond of a toddling child. Diligently attending to splatter marks on cherubic cheeks while pretending to hate the act. It would have been a boisterous household, lively and loving in a way neither of them had ever known. 

“I’d regrow it again,” he said offhandedly, interrupting her thoughts, as if the possibility had already crossed his mind.

What was Eren to her? Historia scoured her heart, and though recent events had made her appreciative of their connection, she knew the answer wasn’t something she could corrupt into a fantasy. She didn’t love him. Not when she ached at the thought of Ymir. It wasn’t Eren she had thought of when she came. She was pretty sure it was the same for him. His eyes had been screwed shut the entire time.

“Who were you thinking about? You were being, well,” she let her words trickle off, not wanting to articulate what she thought about the sweetness with which he had moved. 

She has a suspicion, a word she had thought she’d heard. Barely a whisper, but cemented in certainty from what she knew about her comrades rather than his words alone. 

He turns and she feels the press of his stare, and for a moment Historia panics because the question was intimate in a way they hadn’t been earlier. But naked in her vulnerabilities, Historia craved reciprocity. To know what had let him move forward when the thought of touching each other had been so revolving days earlier. To be privy to his own emotional turmoil; to see him confront something she wasn’t sure he had before. He would give everything for humanity. That was where they differed. She had done it to save herself. To save a bit of herself when all else had been wrangled into place as Queen. She watched him intently. He seemed to struggle for words, and Historia let him. 

“If Mikasa felt the way I do. Which she doesn’t, but if she did, I think it could have gone like this.” His hands moved to block his closed eyes, muffling his next words. “Instead I’m defiling the familial love she has for me and hating myself.”

Historia understood, more than anyone. Knowing who it was for, imagining a future that might never come to be—it made her sympathetic.

“That’s a load of bullshit.” She felt him tense across the bed. “Utter horse crap. But I’ll let it slide since you just did me a huge favor.”

And Mikasa would have been far more appreciative. Would have valued the tenderness, the vulnerability of the moment for what it deserved. Even if whatever discussion they had had clearly was full of shit.

“Eren, I’ll tell you what the rest of us see. She loves you in every way she knows how.”

“Like a sister loves a brother.”

“I don’t really have a sibling, but I promise you don’t look at your sibling the way she looks at you.” Historia smiled. “I can’t tell if you’re being deliberately obtuse or if you really believed her. A couple of us thought you knew how she feels and just not acted on it.”

She was inclined to believe he was self-flagellating. 

“Eren, listen to me. It’s too late for me, but it’s not too late for you. Go after her. Go back to her.”

But the words will fall on deaf ears. For they belonged to a person who knew the truth and turned away regardless. It was endearing, perhaps, that two so headstrong were afraid to voice a truth they both knew. Pitiable, above all else.

He rolled over. “It made this easier.”

Historia wasn’t sure she could disagree.

**Author's Note:**

> tbh there is nothing I would dislike more than the father being Eren. if it ends up being the case, I’d need to believe it was with great great reluctance. also because they all deserve better. 
> 
> uhm though I was toying between “did me a huge favor” and “did me as a huge favor” in that one line. would have ruined the mood though.


End file.
